something is unimaginably surreal.. :
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March 6th, 2006
something is unimaginably surreal.. :
January 16th, 2006
it's almost 3.30 monday morning and i am so awake :
trying to figure out what kind of work it would be useful to do (as i can't read, cause i'll forget it as soon as i wake up, etc)
i'm feeling apathetic but at the same time so lonely and fruitlessly driven, ugly and awake
and i was trying so hard for so long not to think about him, but i really miss him and for once all my memories were all happy and laughter in my head, but i was watching tv mindlessly and this thing came on around 2; it reminded me of addi and everything got weird and conflicted
i know (and keep reminding myself) that what happened wasn't my tragedy, it wasn't something i should have let myself be affected by so deeply and so personally and so permanently. i'm incredibly conflicted with its depression and at the same time trying to dismiss the depression because it's not mine to have. being depressed about his stuff makes me feel immensely selfish.
three and a half hours ago was a year exactly and i thought for months that i'd call him on the fifteenth and remind myself while at the same time, not bringing it up if he didn't want to hear it... yet all at the same time knowing that i was there, on the phone, and i remember 15th january, 2005 on the phone. I just realized that I forgot to call.
shit shit shit
how do i keep doing this
December 8th, 2005
the person whose job it is to not let me watch cruel intentions should do her job better. :
i'm feeling rather empty and lost and... tumultuous, again
November 12th, 2005
if i sort of got what i wanted, why am i crying during dance shows and leaving early and being inescapably lonely? the best part of my day is when someone acknowledges that i'm there, even for a second... and it never lasts long. :
often i wish i had the willpower
philip called and we hadn't spoken in a month; today would have been a year and tuesday's ten months for addi. when we don't speak, i miss him like hell, but now that we've spoken i can't bear how awkward it was; he doesn't care that i'm not around and i can't take that. i miss him even more, yet somehow my missing him would be satisfied with the littlest bit of attention from anyone.
i need my verbs to be passive (does that make sense?)... i can't be on my own anymore, i don't have the energy to keep up anything
October 26th, 2005
and i probably wouldn't mind being drunk off my ass :
and i really want a fucking cigarette :
about to get emo:
i thought that this year was going to be so different from last year; that i wouldn't be constantly lonely, or depressed, or both... yet somehow i'm still so miserable that i'm even wishing i was back in rome. there are times when i just want to be anywhere but school.. but i can't go home, and my dad doesn't have a [home], so i just wander around campus wishing that i could get back the love i lost (cause philip won't even speak to me anymore), or that anyone would barely give me the kind of love i need (which is even mostly physical... i just want any little affection i can get).
and i am so going to stop writing because i'm sounding so fucking self-victimizing, and that's exactly what i always accuse her of being.
i hate it
October 22nd, 2005
sitting on the sun porch, listening to people criticize me in the kitchen. :
September 9th, 2005
i'm packed, i haven't finished my summer work, and i'm getting my dirty secrets out of the house. :
see you all later
September 6th, 2005
no more philip, i guess. it's more complicated than i was planning for it to be... but i guess as well that being quasi-single is a fair enough way to start the year :
i'll see you soon enough
let's have a cigarette